Two years today, I was the fittest of my life: even at 160 lbs, I was well toned, athletic, and a size 10, down from the size 16 I was on July 4, 2012. I have been "fat" almost all my life. Well, actually I have been healthy but never realized 125-140lbs was a good weight when I was. I have since recognized that being healthy is the goal and feeling good while taking things in moderation. I kickstarted my initial weight loss in 2012 with Medifast and I was able to keep the weight off for nearly 2.5 years.Since this photo was taken, I have moved 4 times, changed jobs 4 times, and a couple things have remained constant, my best friend and lover, Craig, and Munch, my chicorgi.
I took the Life Stress Calculator and I scored 330. I checked off a number of boxes and the result was,"You have a high or very high risk of becoming ill in the near future." The risk became reality.
It happened slowly at first. In February of 2014, we moved in together, 30 miles from my beloved East Bay to the Peninsula in San Francisco. My commute to Berkeley became nearly one hour over the hectic Bay Bridge versus the easy 20 minutes along the coast it used to be. My gym, which I used to go to nearly every day, even on weekends, was still close to work by I wanted to get home to unwind so I would leave work and go directly home instead of working out my stress or waiting for traffic to die down at the gym.
Eventually, I switched jobs and got to work from home for 3-4 months, but the job, as the director of events for a startup, was unpredictable and I spent a lot of time on the road. I hadn't found a new gym. I also couldn't afford my personal trainer anymore, who was about $400 a month. My new job was for a specialty food company so I found myself sampling a lot of the food, networking at social events, and overall, stressed out because I could sense the company was financially unstable. I didn't even play tennis. I am an avid tennis player and would play up to 3x a week and also for teams before I moved, but I found it hard to break into the tennis community in our new town, San Mateo.
Ultimately, the startup laid me off and I found a temp job at a lower, hourly rate without benefits at another startup. By July 2014, I realized my size 10 pants were beginning to feel a little bit tighter, so I joined 24 Hour Fitness. But I was bringing my dog to work with me and didn't have a place to leave him safely while I worked out in San Francisco's downtown. I tried working out after work at another location (after taking Munch home), but this gym didn't feel like home, nothing like Berkeley Ironworks. I couldn't get into a rhythm at the new gym.
Towards the end of October 2014, my partner and I decided to move to Detroit, Michigan. I had been keeping my eye on Detroit because I felt like it was on the rise and recovering from its financial woes of the past two decades. It reminded my of Oakland in the early 2000s, after the first dot-com bubble had burst. It seemed to be the place for young, creative people. The Bay area's cost of living was (and still is) getting ridiculously expensive even for us, who made pretty decent money. We packed all that we could fit in our SUV and drove cross country, arriving in Michigan on Thanksgiving Day.
By December 2014, I was barely squeezing in to my size 10 jeans and going a size up to 12. In the past 12 months, I have ballooned from medium to extra large, size 10 to size 14-16.
Even after securing a great job with generous benefits (including paying for 50% of health activities/gym membership), I still have not found a gym. I am living paycheck to paycheck because I want to get out of debt. I am still recovering financially from our cross country move. I did find a tennis team and have been playing with them once a week, sometimes an additional match for league play. But this exercise is not enough. Over the summer, I wanted to be outdoors more so we got bikes and I did ride my bike as much as I could during the warm season. I still miss hiking, which I used to do at least once a week when I lived in the East Bay back in California. Here in Michigan, there aren't any mountains. But really that should be no excuse for not walking.
In recent months, I've struggled with the hate I have for myself. For "letting myself go" and indulging. Craft beer is big here in Michigan and of course, I felt like I had to try it all. I want to make new friends, so I go out and eat and try new things. I was able to be a "foodie" even when I was my fittest, but I did this because I stuck to a routine: I would eat lean and still drink my Medifast RTD shakes and brownie bowls throughout the day. I regret ever stopping.
A week before Thanksgiving, two things happened: my 101-year grandfather died and my father was admitted to the ICU for massive internal bleeding. I had to fly home to California and I spent a lot of time with my mother. My mom was inspired by my Medifast journey that she started the program too and has dropped 60 lbs. She looks great! And she's diligent about the program (she's on maintenance now).
On the way to visit my father, she scolded me for gaining weight. I had already resolved the month before to start eating healthier and shopping responsibly at the grocery store. I told her to stop nagging me and asked her to support me and hear that yes, I know I have a problem. We had a fight over it and I apologized for yelling at her. What I ended up saying at the height of our argument was that I hated myself. That I hate being fat (again) and that I want to get back to my healthy self. To be strong like a warrior as Craig would say.
While I'm sad my grandfather passed, he was 101 years old. He was an extremely positive and happy man, and he ate fish and vegetables. He lived a full life and was mostly healthy for all of it. On the other hand, my father is only 64 years old and at high risk with heart disease, pre-diabetes, and more. I don't want to be sick when I'm 64. But at the rate I'm going at, I will be. I want to live to be 101. I'm 37 years old and it's not to late to change course.
Last week, my friend Laura sent us a link to photos from her wedding, in which I was a bridesmaid. I cried when I saw pictures of myself. I didn't recognize me. I want myself back.
So why didn't I start on Medifast any earlier?
What has "stopped" me from going back on the Medifast program has been financial. I know the 5-1 program will cost me $300+ a month. But I'm done being fat and feeling powerless. I decided to go to tsfl.com and find a health coach. I found Scherrine. And we connected over the phone and Facebook. I told her I could sacrifice $180 to spend this paycheck, a week before Christmas, to purchase as many Medifast meals to start the program. I felt ashamed but she helped me feel better that starting was better than not at all.
My shipment arrived yesterday and Scherrine walked me through the basics last night and what to expect for the first day. She gave me a tip about making the chocolate chip pancakes more satisfying: popping it in a bowl in the microwave for 1 minute. It's fluffy and pretty darn good, much better than I remember!
I will be eating again in about 45 minutes. It feels good to be back on the program.
==================
Starting measurements:
Hips: 44.5"
Waist: 38"
Chest: 44"
Thigh: 27"
No comments:
Post a Comment